I think… I’m going to live.
Maybe that seems dramatic. In fact, it most likely does if you’ve never tried to have a baby for 2.5 years, got pregnant when you’d given up, found out you had not one but two little grains of rice in there, and then, lost them both.
I have come to terms with the fact that most people don’t get it. I have come to terms with the fact that miscarriage is a topic that people think they understand in theory and then, when faced with it in real life, come to a whole new “understanding.”
I have learned. I have learned. I have learned.
And, I suppose that is something to say. It is perhaps the most you can hope for from something that devastates you to your very core. Something that — for me — has challenged my very beliefs about life, about fairness, about the notion of a good and just Creator in this world.
I have learned a lot.
1. I’ve learned what not to say to someone after a miscarriage. I’ve heard the topic of miscarriage referred to as the “silent tragedy.” And, I understand that now. I think it’s something that is so scary to contemplate, people need to minimize it in order to even address it. I cannot tell you how many times I heard derivatives of, “Better luck next time,” or “It wasn’t even a baby yet.” I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen women go into all-out hysterical panic mode when a new boyfriend breaks up with them, and yet, we are supposed to just shake it off when the embryo in our womb we’ve already emotionally bonded with dies? Am I the only one that just finds that insane?
2. I’ve learned the value of friendships. In this situation, there were certain people in my life that really stepped up to the plate on this one. They listened when I needed to rage against the machine, and stepped away when I needed to fold into myself (which was often). Thank you, loves.
3. I’ve learned that I really do have a partner in my life. In the five years I have loved Ryan, I never loved and appreciated him more than I did during those five hours I was in labor. When we married, we promised “for better or worse.” He meant it.
4. I’ve learned that having a baby is more important to me than almost anything in the entire world. It is more important to me than having a career, more important than publishing a book, more important than owning a home, more important than having the freedom to travel. When I was pregnant, I felt like I saw clearly for the first time in my life. Nothing I have ever wanted or dreamt even came close to how badly I wanted my babies.
5. I’ve learned that people do these things. “People do these things” is a phrase my mother and I have traded through a few rough times in life. It refers to all the amazing people we’ve known and haven’t known in life who’ve done things beyond our comprehension. And, yet, they come out on the other side, war worn, yet ready to trudge on. They move on, and if they can, I guess I can too.
Of course, of course, this isn’t all I’ve learned. And, my learning isn’t done yet either. I’ve learned that grief doesn’t just strike those experiencing the tragedy. I’ve learned that people struggle terribly with words in times of tragedy and one should have compassion for that. I’ve learned that your family loves you, and that’s a blessing beyond words. I’ve learned that the kindness of strangers can completely change your day.
So many things. So, so many things… I’ve learned that no matter how much you don’t want it to, life moves on and you have to go with it.
It is the way of things.
“Serenity comes when you stop expecting and start accepting.”