We lost them.
You didn’t know it was a them, but it was.
It was a them. Two little yolk sacs sitting in one gestational sac. Identical thems.
And, they are gone now.
A journey to pregnancy that started in 2009. It ends with … nothing.
Well, five hours of soul-crushingingly painful contractions and then, nothing.
The cruelest part of miscarriage is the fact that there is still labor to go through. You contract, you push, but at the end, there is no baby, no light. There is a lot of red, a lot of empty, and nothing with which to fill it.
Then, there are the questions. All the questions that come with having brought something into the world for which you were soul source of life. What did I do wrong? What could I have done? Did I miss some sign that could have set this right? Have I let everyone down?
And, finally, there comes the untelling.
The tears of the grandparents, the helplessness of friends. Further contractions to a heart that is just barely beating anyway. I struggled in the telling, fighting the urge to say, “I’m sorry.” I was the one lucky enough to be commissioned to support these two precious lives, these lives I’ve waited on for so, so long, and I failed them. Miserably.
This is how it feels.
There is the unbelievable pain of the actual miscarriage. In and of itself, the pain is so mindblowing that I feel like a different person for the living through it. But, then, there is this. This moving on that allows me to have a greater understanding that there must be many of us walking through the world. Shells. The breathing walking dead. Operating, moving, heartbeating empty souls that somehow must continue to go to work, to clean the house, to lift fork to mouth as if there is some great point to these things, when perhaps it is all one big crapshoot anyway.
The going on, that’s what I’m talking about. It’s what I must do. I have no idea why, though. I don’t see the point, and I don’t even care. I just know that it is what’s expected.
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We love you and Ryan. I know saying how sad we are for you guys doesn’t ease this because it’s so painful for both of you and there are so many questions. You will make it together. Dan and I try to talk about ours when the pain creeps back up on one of us and it’s helped. I still cry by myself though. I don’t care what people say your time limit is on grief, it hurts like hell no matter how long it’s been. Please know we’re thinking of you and Ryan and you are welcome to call/email/txt/FB msg us anytime if you ever wish to. <3
I was scrolling down to get caught up on posts that I’d missed, and as this post flew across my screen, I felt my stomach drop to my feet and all I could think was “oh no, oh no no no”
My heart is breaking for you and Ryan, and I’m sending love to both of you, and to your two babies.
I truly don’t understand the pain you must be in, but something I am quite sure of after following your blog for years is that you have so much love to give.
That’s why you go on.
I have no words that will help this deep wound, Jasmine. I just want you to know that I’m keeping you and Ryan close in my heart.
I’m so sorry for both of you.
So sorry Jasmine
This isn’t the end of your journey though, its the middle. I really believe that. 
Keep on.
I love you.
I’ve already shared my heart with you several times…
The scar will never go away, but the pain does become more of a dull ache over time. Your heart will (mostly) heal, and you will have your baby. You will. I promise.
My heart plummeted when I began reading your post — I can’t tell you how sorry I am to read this news. Though I know it’s little consolation, I’m sending you, Ryan and your families a giant hug and keeping you in my thoughts. xo
I am so sorry for you, Ryan and your entire family. I am speechless, but still hopeful…
There is nothing to say
Thinking of you and hoping you find an outlet for the grief but know that we all care and send our love to you both.
I’ve was there, multiple times. It still aches, but I promise you, one day it won’t hurt as bad as it hurts right now. Never give up hope, even if it seems easier. Miracles do happen. I swear.
So very sorry.
I realize words can’t take away the pain. Just know that you have a bunch of people here to help you through this, however and whatever that may look like. I’m so sorry, Jasmine. *hug*
Let it flow, don’t feel any of these feelings are wrong or bad or what have you. Having been through 4 myself, I’ve been there and, even with the adoption of our son, in many ways, I sometimes still feel it. Just know you are not alone. I am so sorry you have to expense this and wish you both the very best.
Jasmine, I ache for you. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could tell you it will be okay. Just know that there are so many “strangers” out there that care for you and would do anything to make this pain go away.
I’m so sorry to hear about this, Jasmine. You and Ryan are in my thoughts. Much love.
I am so very sorry Jasmine and Ryan…beyond that, there are no words except to let you know that you are still whole and complete, even though you feel broken. Hugs…
Oh Jasmine, there are no words. I will pray for strength for you and Ryan, for comfort, and for healing. I am so, so sorry.
I’m so sorry for your loss ((hugs))
Jasmine, my heart aches for you. A few weeks ago, I experienced my 2nd miscarriage. I was/am so pissed and angry, thinking I had paid my dues to statistics with the first one. But it happened and some days I still can’t believe it did. Surprisingly, what helped me most deal with both of them was to blog about it. Writing seemed so much easier than uttering the words. In this process, I stumbled upon an article which helped me think about things differently. I will share those words with you:
The author, Sara Esther Crispe, says (as explained to her) “Every soul that is brought into this world comes for a very specific reason and serves a very special purpose. We live our lives to fulfill this mission and it takes each individual a different amount of time, along a unique and specific journey. … Sometimes these souls need to live a full lifetime, others for just a few years, others for only a few months, even at times just a few days. Then there are the souls that need so little to complete their mission, that their soul only needs to come into a body long enough to beat its heart or simply create a pregnancy. These are the highest of all the souls–the souls of the truly righteous …whose mission took so little to complete. However, for the woman who had lost her pregnancy, this does not take away the pain. This does not take away the suffering. But it does give it meaning and it does make it easier.
For I was chosen, for one reason or another, as the conduit to aid a very holy soul in its vital and final mission. And that means the world to me.”
Here is the full article:
http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/337722/jewish/The-Empty-Sac.htm
Jasmine, I hope these words help you as they have helped me. And if not, I hope you stumble upon whatever it is that will help you through. Your description “there must be many of us walking through the world. Shells. The breathing walking dead. Operating, moving, heartbeating empty souls that somehow must continue to go to work, to clean the house, … ” is very accurate.
Know that you are not alone.
I’m very sorry for your loss, Jasmine. You’re in my thoughts.
Oh my gosh, my heart pulls for you right now. I cannot even imagine it. Feel what you need to feel and say what you need to say. Know that you are not alone though and there are several that have had to walk this path. I hope you are doing okay.
Jasmine and Ryan, I am so sorry for you guys. I can’t possibly understand how this must feel for you, so let me just say that if you need anything, a hug, someone to talk to, anything, please let me know.
Love you both.
Oh Jasmine, “the helplessness of friends” is exactly right. My heart goes out to you and Ryan. I am so sorry for your loss. Let’s get this straight though. YOU did not fail anyone. I know everyone says that and I can only imagine how little it really sinks in right now. Your going on with life is the only thing anyone needs from you. Did you name them? It might help you grieve.
I am sorry for you loss. A support group helped me, hopefully there is one in your area or there are many online. I am always open for you to contact and would be willing to listen.
My heart is breaking for both of you. I know there are no words that anyone can really say to make it better though I wish there were. Sending lots of hugs your way.
oh jasmine! I’m so so sorry to hear this news. I know that answers aren’t easy to come by, but know that you aren’t at fault. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, but keep moving forward and keep going because there is something and somebody out there waiting for you in the future.
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you.
Jasmine I am so sorry, to both of you. So very sorry.
I am so very sorry, Jasmine. Things like this don’t make sense any way you slice them. I feel for you at this very difficult time.
I am so sorry. Hugs
I am so sorry, and my heart hurts for both of you.